Dicussions on TIME- 8 (Specific Question About Absolute)

salam alaikum Brother Ali,

i can't explain why or how, i think i'm having a small moment of experiential enlightenment, a mental/spiritual breakthrough...or it could be a breakdown! how would i know? hahaha

seriously, after being gone all afternoon and taking somewhat of a break (i never totally stop thinking about things) from all this TIME, Absolute, methodology or reasoning, confirmation, etc...i was sitting outside in the night air, looking at the sky and trees...pondering...and took it upon myself to test myself about what i understand and where i'm at (without respecting the wisdom that the teacher should test and be present for good reason!). suddenly i found myself in a sheer panic not knowing how to confirm a conclusion about God being Absolute..why God must be Absolute. i so hope you'll allow me to carry on a bit, essentially think through my process "out loud" here in writing...i really need to do this to get over this slump.

this email represents a very serious and intense mental/spiritual struggle through my process and shows where i'm at, where i'm stuck, and what i need help with...i thank God for allowing me to see even this much! if you don't mind helping me, inshallah, i'd be so relieved and extremely grateful! forgive any repetition, i'm spazzing out about my own beliefs and scared out of my wits as suddenly i don't see that i have solid beliefs...i'm witnessing my blindness with respect to HOW to make them strong! you may think, "well julie, duhhhh!! what do you think i've been trying to explain all along? this is what we've been talking about all this time, where have YOU been??? this is no big deal, it's easy!!" but really for me it IS a big deal...i feel like a tidal wave of enlightenment has just plowed me over and flooded my experience. the irony is that i have come to see that i can't see! just thinking on the irony by itself is enough to send me over the edge...fortunately, Allah gave me a good sense of humor which prevents that. and at this point, after putting myself through a virtual mental/spiritual boot camp the last 2 weeks over all of this, i'm not only struggling for real, i'm also almost laughing throughout this email...my conclusion is that it must be Allah's salvation and mercy to me!

earlier in the halaqa, i was able to clarify for myself (through what you said) that Absolute, by it's very definition, IS and can only be ONE. why? because Absolute is necessarily indivisible by definition..period! so i got the Absolute part of the conclusion, i don't have any problem with Absolute. but i'm missing the rest about: GOD MUST BE Absolute. WHY MUST GOD BE Absolute? because....because.......???? i don't know why!!!!! i've confirmed only what Absolute means, i failed to confirm why God must be Absolute! i'm shocked at myself....even worse is i dont know why i can't confirm this, it's just that i can't seem to on my own.

i know i believe in One God, so i'm not freaking out due to a sudden uncertainty of One God or not, i still "believe" there is only One God as i've always believed..it's all i've ever known. i'm disturbed near meltdown because NOW i don't know how or why i came to that conclusion of my belief..so i'm wonder silently, "well, how can i believe it if i can't confirm it? so does that mean i DON'T really believe in One God????" and yeah, that's meltdown for me! i can't say why i believe that, i don't know why....and the reason i don't know is because i never used any reason to come to that belief! so NOW i'm suddenly experiencing the meaning and importance of what this reasoning method TRULY IS and WHY i need it regarding my beliefs! i guess this is the "aha moment" where i've suddenly integrated the understanding of this methodology in my head into my total being such that when i applied this wisdom to myself, i found my mistakes....namely, that i have pathetically WEAK faith. I DON'T WANT WEAK FAITH, i want out of this weak and false junk ASAP, i want REAL faith, GENUINE, TRUE BELIEF! i need to FINISH the process and figure out HOW through reasoning with the proper methodology TO CONFIRM that there is only ONE God TO MYSELF. i'm experiencing that my belief is NOT based on proper reasoning, rather i've obviously imitated my belief from the past probably because i was told there's only One God when i was little, so i just believed it.

actually, with respect to my belief before now, i never had to come to ANY conclusion because i never thought about confirming One God, so i never saw the need to reason through anything before being introduced to this methodology....i just took it for granted (meaning i assumed which uses no reasoning whatsoever) there's one God. this "imitating a belief" completely sidesteps the very necessary reasoning process altogether. UGGHHH!!!! it's all coming clear to me now.

WHY is there only one God, how do i confirm one and not many? i can't answer that by saying, "well, there's only One God because He's Absolute"..or.."He's Absolute because He's the only One God"...that's circular reasoning/arguing. someone of polytheism ideology holds..."there's more than one god, and they're all absolute in their powers"..or.."there's more than one god because in my experiences, when i pray to the different gods i get answers from each of them". so in response to my hypothetical situation as i tested myself to prove to myself there is only One God, i sickeningly failed my test in the worst possible way because i can't see how to PROVE to MYSELF that God is ONE (i.e. Absolute) and not more than one! i only proved my belief that He is has been imitation all my life without realizing it until now (which also confirms that i've just been created anew..again!) if i can confirm my conclusion to MYSELF...BY WAY OF THIS METHODOLOGY...THEN AND ONLY THEN can i say my belief is true, sound, solid, genuine and my IMAN is strong!

in my panic to explain this and see through my own blindness, i went back to find one of your earlier emails. your reasoning about why God must be Absolute is:

" "La ilahe", then, the qualities apparent on the effect necessitates the existence of a Source which must of necessity for our reason be Absolute. This is "Illallah." "

"Why absolute? It is because of "continuous creation", equality of numbers, complexity, quality, beauty... before the Source. Only for the Absolute there is no difference between different numbers, different qualities, complexity or simplicity etc"

you know what? i'm still trying to digest what this means...i never understood and never asked for clarification earlier on this because oh nooooooo, stubborn me, i just HAD to "think" about this specific thing to challenge myself. now i regret not asking earlier, i wouldn't be struggling at all about this if i'd asked. this is the VERY THING i needed to understand MOST! now i realize it and i am feeling it! well, it cost me a bundle, but serves me right, that'll teach me not to be so stubborn, inshallah! would you mind going over these two statements again, particularly the second one? what do you mean? why can't there be more than One God when it comes to continuous creation? the rest of that sentence escapes me completely, what do you mean in your words?? can you expand your reasoning more on this? i need a baby abc's level explanation...i dont' get this yet.

and how funny is this, of all people during today's halaqa, it was ME who got stumped having to ask and carry on about: what's this "many individuals" stuff that Said Nursi says we are. and guess what? here it is ME who's now acutely aware and experiencing this very thing not even 8 hours later! hahaha. if that's not tevafuk in action, what is? i'm definitely not the same, clearly i've been created anew! my new personality, until Allah decides otherwise, is: QUEEN of "How Do I Confirm This" Land. i'm a master at this question now! i can just see it already, i'll be asking myself and everybody else this from now on. i wonder if other students who embark on the path of enlightenment really know what they're getting themselves into, hahaha. i wonder if they too experience a transient insanity every now and then as they witness their old selves being blasted asunder like tidal waves busting through their minds, clearing out the debris to pave the way for new light...or if it's just me...hahaha. it's a rhetorical question, no need to confirm it's me! :))

ultimately, all joking aside...the light that's really dawned for me tonight showed me where my weakness is...namely that i need to use the discussed reasoning method to confirm. otherwise i'm stuck with empty, meaningless, false beliefs. i knew this before, or so i thought i did...but tonight i really felt it. i was able to apply and thus experience where and why it's affecting my life with respect to my beliefs..that's the real enlightenment which wasn't this clear before. that's a plus! now i just need to work on how to do that. so returning back to ponder that....HOW....i.e. what specific information of my experiences of creation do i use to reason in order to confirm ONE God....

Julie